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  Chapter 16

  Cosmos

  “What the heck just happened? What was that thing you smashed?” Jessica asked, picking herself up from the ground.

  “Ha! I knew it! That bottle was an emergency escape potion. We’ve used it before. When there’s no time to use your broom, just smash one of those little bottles of potion. Poof! You’re thrown instantly out of danger.”

  I pointed at the flickering torches lighting the road in front of the manor house we were just standing in a second ago.

  “See? We’re free. Now all we have to do is find Darcy, rescue Olaf from the angry mobs, fix Ezzy’s brains, and travel back to the future. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.”

  “Easy peasy lemon squeezy? Are you serious? Gertie, you know how I said you’re so optimistic sometimes it makes me want to throw up?” Randy asked.

  “Yeah, I remember, but I told you it was probably from all that fried food you eat. Did you try the fresh peppermint in seltzer water? Works like a charm.”

  “Never mind. My sarcasm is wasted here,” Randy replied, scanning the moonlit landscape. “We’re doomed.”

  Brad removed the plush blanket and placed it over my bare shoulders. “If we can find that mysterious traveler, we might have a chance. He somehow predicted that I would be coming and I’d need a magic potion. Who was it?”

  “Obviously, it had to be a witch. Someone we know,” I replied.

  Randy suddenly held one hand up. “Shh! Listen! Did you hear that?”

  We all heard it—a scratching sound. Someone or something kicked sand and small pebbles on the path in front of us. “Weird,” Jessica mumbled. “It’s not like someone is walking. It sounds like…”

  “It sounds like a cat in a litter box!” I finished her sentence because there in the moonlight stood Darcy. The poor girl had been forced to use the great outdoors for her litter box.

  “How about that. Maybe it’s not as bad as you make it seem, Randy. Gertie’s already checked off the first task,” Jessica said.

  Brad lifted Darcy up and brought her to me. “And what do you know. Look, Gertie, she has a scroll.” My immediate concern was for Darcy. I didn’t even look at the scroll until I’d given her a proper snuggling and checked her over.

  “She seems fine. I’m so grateful. Now, this scroll.”

  Like all good witch-cats, one of Darcy’s primary jobs was to carry magical messages between witches. Even after falling into the past, she managed to keep up her duties. “I’ll read it. Tell me what you think it means.”

  I unrolled the scroll and to my surprise, my little wand fell out, my miniature broom still in the handy clip I’d attached to the handle.

  “Thank God! I wish I would have had my wand or broom when Ezzy flipped out. Let’s see what it says.” I was about to open my mouth, but out of the blue, a familiar voice leapt from the parchment.

  “You shlimazl! What, you think you can mix the magic paint with a powerful spell and just walk away? That goes for all of you. You’re all schmucks. You wouldn’t believe what I’ve been through to find you.”

  With a squeal, I flung the paper to the ground as if it was covered in spiders. It scared the bejesus out of me. I’d never come across a scroll that spoke, not to mention one that scolded me.

  “Oy! If you were twice as smart, you’d be an idiot,” the voice said. That’s when I looked up and realized it wasn’t the scroll at all.

  “Cosmos!” Of course I had to give the old wizard a bear hug. As grumpy as he could sound, I knew he was nothing more than a big ole sweetheart. “You came all this way through time to rescue us?”

  “Rescue? Who said I was here to rescue you? I’m stranded here.”

  “Stranded? Oh, come on. Can’t anything be easy?” Randy whined.

  “He understands words! Yes, you putz. Stranded. Stuck. Screwed. It seemed like yesterday, I came back from a little swimming party in Salem and I saw that Gertie had been to my shop to get paint. Only, she took the wrong paint. She mistakenly grabbed my magic paint. Later that night, I received an alert from the Supernatural Activity Warning System. There was an anomaly in the universal space time sheath.”

  “Sheath?” Brad asked.

  “You, too? Yes, sheath. The only way that can happen is if the magic paint has been tampered with in some way. The only way I know of that happening is by a witch misusing magic. It was an accident waiting to happen once Gertie got a hold of that paint. So, of course I took to the plantation, saw the mess, and stepped in the paint. Here I am. Almost a year now. I knew you’d be here eventually.”

  “So, it was you. You’re the mysterious traveler that gave the escape potion to King Henry? How did you know Brad would be coming and King Henry would meet him?” I asked.

  “A year is a long time when you’re a castaway in another era. I’ve been working on a way out of this mess. Let’s get off this road and I’ll tell you more. Gertie, use your broom magic to transport us to the Devil’s Arse. I don’t feel like walking another step on these awful roads.”

  “The Devil’s Arse?” I asked, not at all keen about the idea.

  “Don’t get yourself too excited. It’s the name of a cave I’ve been using for my laboratory.”

  “Cosmos, when Gertie gets to the part of her transport spell where she inserts the location, you need to be the one to specify the coordinates. I have zero inclination to be one of Satan’s unfortunate hamsters.”

  Yes, Randy was all too familiar with my infamous travel disasters. Apparently, Cosmos was, too. “Your point is well taken,” Cosmos agreed.

  Chapter 17

  The Devil’s Arse

  “The Devil’s Arse, wow. Such a charming name,” Randy said.

  “Not my decision, ask the local yokels. Spend a few days here, go ahead. Devil’s Arse is a compliment compared to what you’ll be calling it.”

  I saw what Cosmos meant. Most caves are damp, cold, and dreary, and the Devil’s Arse took no exception. To make it creepier, it snaked down into the earth. Distant sounds of running water echoed through hidden chambers.

  “Good hiding place. Not even outlaws have the balls to come here.” Cosmos lifted his glowing magic staff, projecting an eerie blue light on the rocky walls.

  “Around the first corner are my living quarters and lab. There’s plenty of room for all of you. Whatever you do, don’t go any further back than this.”

  I gripped Brad’s hand, held Darcy a little closer, and nervously peered into the vast darkness beyond Cosmos’ cozy corner.

  “Why? What’s back there?” I asked with trepidation. “Meow,” Darcy seconded it.

  He only shrugged his shoulders. “Who knows? I sure as hell am not going to find out. Neither should you. Gather around, pull up a rock.”

  He leveled his staff at a pile of stones, firing a stream of orange light until they burst into a flaming campfire. “Now, where were we?”

  “About a mile from the manor house,” Jessica replied.

  “I agree. Might have been further, but a mile sounds close,” I added.

  “No, Einstein and Edison! I meant, what were we talking about before we came here?”

  “You were going to tell us how you knew I was coming to the king’s court and more about time travel,” Brad replied.

  Cosmos smacked Brad’s head, exclaiming, “Ah! So there is a little bit of brains left among you.”

  He leaned on his staff as he told us of his own time travel experience. “I have arrived at this time and place the same way all of you did. Since we fell through the time travel portal at different times, we arrived here at different times. And it wasn’t in order. In my case, I’d been here for months, then you all showed up.”

  “I get it, you were here before us, even though you left the future after us,” I said.

  “Exactly, here’s where things might get confusing for you imbeciles. The events you experienced earlier tonight happened once before. The only difference between then and now is that you all were captured and imprisone
d for being witches the first time around. I had to think of a way to save you. God only knows why.” Cosmos shook his head.

  “Because you’re a good wizard, despite what Randy says about you,” I replied.

  “Humph! Anyway, while you were awaiting trial and your certain execution, I went to work. I scavenged through every scrap of paper in every alchemist’s lab I could find. I came up with some time travel magic of my own. Unfortunately, it didn’t send us all back to the future. It only sent me backwards in time one year. Backwards! Ach!”

  Cosmos tapped his crinkled old wizard’s hat. “But I’m a genius. So what did I do? I took advantage of the situation. I figured I would simply put a plan in place! A plan to supply the escape potion to you. Good thinking, because when the time came again, you two rescued yourselves. Now here we all are, together.”

  “Still, we’re on the run, we can’t let our guard down,” I added. “Do you have any idea what’s wrong with Ezzy?”

  “How about we talk about what’s right with her, it’ll be a much shorter conversation.”

  “I’m serious, Cosmos. I don’t know if she’s suffering from a head injury or if it’s a side effect of time travel.”

  “I know what you mean, Gertie. I looked her right in the eye and she had no idea who I was. She’s not herself.”

  Randy paced in front of the fire, stroking his chin. “You know what I think? That this is all just another one of her pranks gone wild. Maybe this is finally the one that went wrong. I told you, she’s completely crossed the line already with her little jokes. Maybe she’s even gone off her rocker.”

  Brad interrupted Randy’s complaints, “If that’s the case, then this is her masterpiece. But I have a hard time believing she’d go as far as dumping us all in a different century, on the run from a jealous witch hunting bitch that happens to be herself. No, it can’t be a joke.”

  Cosmos rubbed his hands together in front of the fire, thinking about what they said. “Hmm. I’ve never heard of time travel causing something like that. A complete cleaning out of her memories? No. Not even insanity.”

  “Don’t tell me we’ve lost her forever. She’s already started over, becoming a complete stranger.”

  Cosmos put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Gertie. We’ll just have to dig deeper as we solve this time travel problem. I’m sure we’ll find out what happened and get her back to the lovable wicked witch we’ve all gotten used to.”

  Even if Cosmos was faking his optimism for my sake, I appreciated it. It made me feel better.

  Jessica came closer to the fire. “I hope I’m not butting in, but I just remembered something she told me and Gertie earlier today. She said she had no memory of who she was, so she had to create her life somehow. I believe she actually said she had to paint her life. Create a painting to fill in her whole life. She said something like that anyway.”

  “That’s right! I remember her saying that. And something about how Duke Charles took her in and basically cared for her from the beginning of her memories.”

  Cosmos nodded. “Good information. Who knows? It might be important later on.”

  Brad sat down on a chair Cosmos had fashioned from sticks and lashings. He pulled me onto his lap and kept me warm. “If you get tired, just lean back and close your eyes. I’ll hang on to you,” he whispered.

  “Cosmos, tell us everything you know about time travel,” Randy said, somewhat demandingly.

  “Hmph. Time. What about time? An abstract concept, it is. It doesn’t exist in nature. One species, homo-sapiens, think of time. Snakes, hedgehogs, rabbits, do they know what year it is? No! Of course not. Year after year, after hundreds of thousands of years, they live exactly as they’ve always done. Ha! Humans? We are always changing things. Every generation decides it must improve and it must build on what the last generation accomplished, and so on and so on. Progress we call it. In order to do this, a measuring stick is needed. How can you measure the history of humans? You know it as time. Yes, this is why we worry about time.”

  Jessica was brave enough to question our ancient wizard. “I get what you’re saying, but what does that have to do with time travel?”

  Randy held up his hand, like a teacher about to correct his pupil. “No, Jess, you have to communicate with Cosmos like you’re Yoda with a Yiddish accent. Ask your question like this: To do with time travel, what does that have, hmm? Yeesssssss.”

  “Quiet, dummkopfs. Why did I explain time? You can’t travel through time if you don’t know what it is! Ach! Remember when I told you about the universal time sheath? You, the big hunk of beef, you asked me what that was. Now, I’ll tell you. Imagine each year is a playing card, and they are stacked together in a row. Without something to hold them together, they will fall down, get mixed up. The universal time sheath is a thin membrane made of cosmic material. This material is created by the collective energy of all human beings over the years. It covers these years, these cards if you will, and it keeps them organized. Gertie’s magic paint trick poked two holes in it. We fell out of the hole in the end of the sheath and came back in another hole, which put us in the wrong year.”

  “Huh. So it’s like a giant condom covering the years, Gertie busted it and we all leaked out?” Randy asked.

  “If you want to be vulgar and put it that way, yes.”

  “Cosmos, you said you found a way to time travel. You went far enough back to give the king the potion. So, can’t we go back with the same method?”

  “Sorry, Gertie. I only found a way to move backward a short distance. As if I stayed on the same card. I haven’t figured out a way to return to the time we came from. And the place we all fell through to get here has been healed over already. Understand?”

  “No. I’m not sure I understand any of it, but I’m willing to take your word for it. I trust you’ll find a way.”

  “Even better!”

  “Sorry I busted the cosmic condom, or whatever it’s called.”

  “Don’t worry about it. We wizards have a saying for times like these. Shit happens. And condoms break! We’ll figure it out.”

  Chapter 18

  One Eyed Willy

  Our first night in the Devil’s Arse was uncomfortable, at least from the litany of complaints recited by Jessica and Randy.

  Personally, I was quite comfortable. Brad’s muscular six-foot-four body made a cozy bed for my five-foot one inch tall frame. Darcy was equally cozy and we were well-rested that morning. A good thing, too, because we had to make it to Northumberland in order to find Olaf.

  “Ready for your journey, Frodo?” Randy asked, watching me gather some of the bread Cosmos gave us.

  “Don’t tell me you forgot who I am! I sure hope whatever Ezzy has isn’t catchy.”

  “Huh?” Confusion made Randy’s face scrunch up like he’d licked an electric fence.

  “Ah! Because I called you Frodo. Never mind. Don’t worry, you’ll find Olaf. How hard can it be to find a huge white dragon? Take good care of my weird cousin and that beefcake man of yours.” He surprised me by pulling me close and giving me a sweet little kiss—a friendly sort of kiss. Still, it was a kiss and I couldn’t help but like it.

  “Sure thing, Randy. Take it easy on Cosmos and help him out.”

  “You mean old Grumpledorf? Please. You should be telling the Lord of the Rings to take it easy on me.” He turned and walked away, shaking Brad’s hand and hugging Jessica as he returned to Cosmos’ lab.

  “Gertie!” Cosmos shouted. “There’s one more thing you need to know about time travel. Forget everything you’ve read in stories or saw in the movies. When you go back in time, you can do whatever you want, or need to. It won’t affect the future one bit. That is, as long as you don’t stay in the past, or die there. God forbid. You see, once you go back to the future, you never existed in this time.”

  “That means we all have to go back, including Ezzy. I think it’ll be easier to lure a dragon into this cave than it will be to get Ezzy here.”


  Cosmos nodded in agreement. As he returned to his work, I stood at the opening of the Devil’s Arse, watching the sun rise above the distant hills.

  Another adventure, another quest lies ahead. Maybe that’s all life is, a journey. You finish one quest and sure enough, another finds a way to pop up.

  I’d spent some time altering our clothes with a touch of magic from my wand before we left on our journey. Our shoes were sturdier, our dresses less flashy and more comfortable. Brad no longer looked like a refugee from a slumber party. I put the California King’s plush blanket to good use and converted part of it into Darcy’s snuggly cat carrier that hung on my chest.

  If I would’ve had the exact name of the place in Northumberland where Olaf had been terrorizing, I might have tempted fate and tried some broom travel. As it was, we only knew that we needed to head in that general direction. In a way, I was glad for our long walk. It was quality time to talk and be together.

  “Did you ever think you’d have to walk this much ever again?” Brad asked.

  “You know, it’s not something I’ve ever thought about. Of all the modern conveniences, I don’t even drive a car. There’s something about having your feet on the ground, feeling the earth’s loving vibrations seep through you.”

  “Yeah, Gertie. What you’re really feeling is the pain from your blistered feet shooting through your body. I should know, I make my living on my feet,” Jessica noted.

  “You could look at it that way, but if you keep a positive outlook, good things will happen.”

  Regardless of my cheeriness, when an old man offered us a lift in his firewood laden cart, pulled by his even older horse, we gratefully accepted. Our feet rejoiced, dancing loosely off the back end of the cart.

  “People in the country sure are friendlier than those stuffy people at the king’s court,” Brad said.

  Jessica nodded her head. “You’ve got that right. You know, it’s always been my observation that people who have less, and work the hardest, are more giving than the people who have everything. Sure, it’s not always the case, you always have your exceptions, but by and large it’s true. Any waitress will tell you the same thing.”