Serious Leigh (Literal Leigh Romance Diaries Book 2) Page 5

  “Blah blah blah Ferris wheel down by Navy Pier blah blah blah Taste of Chicago at Grant Park. Or maybe I could give you some more pointers on your golf grip and swing. I would like to think we seem to fit pretty well together when I have my arms around you and hold you close. Wouldn’t you say so, Leigh?”

  I imagined his hard body up against mine and his strong, muscular arms snaked around me as he kissed my neck between whispering in my ear. “Ohhh, yess!” And that was that. I still don’t know if he caught my actual response as I envisioned a complete pornographic version of his golf lesson.

  “So it’s a date! I’ll pick you up Friday at noon!”

  “Sounds awesome—see you then.” I tried not to pant as I caught my breath.

  We said our goodbyes and after I hung up the call I looked at Luna. “Yay! Now where the hell did he say we were going? I haven’t the slightest idea what to dress for.”

  “Meow, meow.”

  “Easy for you to say.”

  “Meow.”

  “I know, that was pretty naughty of me. One way phone sex.”

  “Meow, meow.”

  “I’m not ashamed! A little dirty, yes, but not ashamed. Besides, you’re a cat. You don’t know what shame is. I’ve seen how you lick yourself.”

  “Meow.”

  Chapter Seven

  Diddlers on the roof

  Friday was soon approaching and I had to stop avoiding Kelly and Lindsey. To be honest, I did have some curriculum work I needed to finish up before it was due to be submitted for the upcoming academic year. I pride myself on being on top of things professionally, even if my personal life is unraveling like a cheap sweater. Despite the groaning protests of my friends, I used it as an excuse that they had to at least respect, somewhat. I had a good reason to avoid the super stalker issue. Without Gertie, I knew I could land myself in some trouble I really didn’t need. I called out, I meditated, and I even asked Luna for help. Still, Gertie never showed.

  I had been cautioned by the union about using magic on my own for now. Still, desperate times call for desperate measures and sometimes it’s easier to beg for forgiveness than to ask for permission. Just ask any kid and they will confirm it. I couldn’t blow off my best friends any longer. If there was hell to pay for unauthorized magic, I could deal with that later.

  Gertie had gone back to her crazy cat farm and I had no idea how to reach her. It would have to be a good enough excuse to use magic, if I needed to. The witches at the union were equally unavailable to me, and my friends were in a state of desperation, apparently. I had made up my mind that I was going to use some witchy magic to solve Kelly and Lindsey’s little stalker issue and put it all behind us, once and for all.

  As promised, I finally headed out on Thursday to pay my friends a visit. Ever since my last conversation with Hunter, I had already come to refer to Thursday as Hunter’s Eve. I was so looking forward to our date that I actually caught myself using those very words in my head. My first stop was at Kelly’s place, a small, one level duplex in a quiet neighborhood. Just before I left, I called Kelly and she mysteriously told me to park my car and wait for her in the alley that ran behind her house. I drove slowly down the tree lined street and past her place. There wasn’t a single curtain opened and it looked as if nobody was home. I went part way around the block then cautiously up the alley until I neared the backside of her duplex. Kelly’s back door opened slightly, and I could see her peeking out. Once she was sure that everything was clear, she jogged out to the alley and into my car.

  “So, Kelly, what’s this fugitive act all about?”

  “My new neighbor. He’s a complete perv. The guy won’t leave me be. I would like nothing more than to have a restraining order slapped on him. But I doubt it would do any good considering our homes are attached. He likes to flash me every fucking chance he gets. It wouldn’t be so bad, but he reminds me of the Pillsbury Dough Boy, complete with a two inch hard on. Ugh, the thought alone makes me want to vomit. Now let’s get over to Lindsey’s, then maybe you can see for yourself what we are dealing with here.”

  “Good idea. So far I haven’t noticed a problem at all. Are you sure you guys aren’t exaggerating just a little?”

  “Just drive. You’ll see soon enough.”

  We drove away with me thinking this entire situation was blown way out of proportion. After a short drive, we were in Lindsey’s driveway. “Now take a good look.” Kelly said as she observed some commotion on Lindsey’s roof. There was Derek and Luke, both of them dripping with sweat and nearly ready to drop from heat exhaustion.

  “Uh—what the hell? I thought this was a stalker problem, not a medical emergency in the making.”

  “You may not remember, but at some point you described the guys as hot roofers. If they aren’t up there, they are busy obsessing over us.”

  “Hi, Kelly!” Shouted Luke. “I was hoping you would be coming over. Man, it sure is hot out. You know what to do, baby.”

  “Give me a minute, Luke. I’m on it.” Kelly strolled on to Lindsey’s front yard and picked up a spray nozzle that was connected to a garden hose. She shot a cold jet of water onto the roof, hitting Derek and Luke directly. She looked at me and said, “This has been the routine lately.”

  “Do they have any idea that they are acting so weird?”

  “Oh, that’s the thing! They do know that something is wrong, and I am pretty sure it scares the hell out of them, although they would never admit it to us. We’ve asked them why they are on the roof, after all, the job is done now. They can’t explain it. Like an out of control compulsion to just climb up there and sweat their balls off.”

  “What about the stalker stuff?”

  Lindsey had heard our arrival and stepped onto the front porch to watch the hose down of the boys. “They really are hot, though. I mean that in the sexy way. Just look at ‘em. Jesus!” Lindsey watched wide eyed at the dripping wet hunks on her roof. To my surprise, she glanced back at her neighbors’ houses across the street and then turned back to the boys. “Okay, boys, off with the jeans. Boxers only! You don’t want heat stroke!” Derek and Luke kicked off their boots and jeans and were then on full display in soaking wet boxers. “Leigh, look across the street. See that blue house with someone looking out of a second floor window?”

  I looked at the house Lindsey pointed out and I saw someone watching the rooftop strip show. Kelly was having fun with the hose. She had it set to the full jet setting and was doing her best to get the guys right in the boxers.

  “Surprisingly, shrinkage doesn’t seem so much of an issue for them.” I observed.

  “I know! I have to admit, this is the fun part!”

  “What’s your peeping neighbor doing? Is she going to call the cops or something?”

  “Oh, heck no. That’s Stephanie. Her husband is out of town a lot on business and she has three little wildcat kids at home. Sometimes she watches from the yard, but when she is peeking out of her bedroom window, I am pretty sure she is friggin’ the hell out of herself.” We all busted out in laughter. “You’re welcome, Steph!” Lindsey called out to her and the curtains fell shut.

  “Who’s that?” I nodded to another lady about my mother’s age. She came out and sat in a comfortable wicker chair on her porch.

  “That’s Jan. She is a sweetie. And she doesn’t give a damn what anyone says, she is out to watch the show. Twice now her husband came out to join her and give her a backrub while she was getting off on the visual display. They are a trip.” Lindsey waved to Jan, who returned her wave and gave her a thumbs up signal.

  Kelly shut the water off and then told the guys to pack it up. “It’s going to be sundown pretty soon. You should both be cooled down now. Why don’t you come on down for the night?” The boys grabbed their things and made their way down the ladder. The neighborhood was filled with a variety of sounds that signaled disappointment from more spectators than just Stephanie and Jan.

  Derek and Luke jogged to their truck and shot out a
few apologies to us. Luke plead for sympathy. “I’m really sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with us!” We watched as their truck sped away down the street.

  “That’s it? Doesn’t seem all that bad to me! I’m sure your neighbors would agree.” I commented.

  “Oh, just wait. Let’s go inside and forage for some food, and after a little while, you will see what else we’ve been dealing with.” Lindsey beckoned us to follow her into the house.

  “So, Leigh. Have you heard from Hunter lately?” Kelly had her entire head inside Lindsey’s fridge and her voice was muffled. “I’m looking forward to snagging that stud. Lindsey, are you running some sort of clandestine penicillin operation in here? I don’t think there is any kind of food that is supposed to be gray and fuzzy.”

  I was happy to reply to Kelly’s inquiry. “Yep! Just today after you guys left. He called and asked me to go into the city with him tomorrow afternoon.”

  Kelly popped out of the fridge and gave me a genuine smile. “Really? That is awesome, Leigh. Really, it is. You know I was just kidding you about snagging Hunter.”

  “I wasn’t.” Lindsey plopped down in a chair.

  “Well, no matter. I am looking forward to my date with him and I am hoping to bump things up just a notch, if you know what I mean.”

  “What you need to be bumping up is getting Luke and Derek back to normal. Maybe then we could all have some dating action for the summer.” Lindsey was obviously getting frustrated. “Can’t you just call Gertie and ask her to at least try that spell she thought about”

  “I have no idea how to even get in touch with—” Just then we heard music coming from the front lawn.

  “Okay. This is what we have been talking about.” Kelly pointed to the window that faced the front yard.

  The music was awful. It was a combination of two completely different types, and both types were being played very loud. I put my hands over my ears and shouted to my friends, “What the hell is that? It sounds like a pack of Tasmanian devils gang-raping a chimpanzee!”

  Kelly was quick to describe what was happening outside. “Luke is reenacting something he saw in some old teen movie. You know, where the brokenhearted boy plays some stupid song on a giant boom-box to the girl-of-his-dream’s house. Derek has an electric guitar and he’s been playing some God awful song he wrote.”

  “My God. It’s like karaoke night at the insane asylum.”

  “Oh, this is nothing. Last night Derek was trying out bagpipes. You can’t serenade with bagpipes.” Lindsey added. “And poor Luke’s boom-box was set to an FM station that night. So instead of a sappy love ballad, it started to blare out that death metal stuff accompanied by Derek’s bagpipes. Scared the bejesus out of me. I was actually shaking.”

  “Okay. Okay. I get it. This is a living nightmare. I can fix this, and I will fix this tonight, as soon as I get home. I’m not even waiting for permission from any other witches.” Home is exactly where I went as fast as I could get there.

  Chapter Eight

  Back to the Magic Desk

  When I opened my door, I was greeted by Luna. She seemed very excited to see me and once I was in the door, she bolted straight up onto my desk. Now, I know some people don’t believe cats have special powers, extra senses, whatever you want to call them, however, I have always believed they do. Luna seemed to have been anticipating my arrival and that I had my mind set on getting some writing done. Writing that would hopefully return Derek and Luke back to the regular college boys we had first met.

  I pulled up the file that I had written about my parents’ recent garden party. I figured all I would need to do is add a few things to carry the story a little bit longer about the two werewolf hunters and their dates. No use in changing anything, what’s done is done, and even Gertie affirmed that it was too late to reverse it. Luna encouraged me with a loud “meow” and ran her tail across my keyboard. I stroked her fur and smiled at how Luna sure loved anything related to witches.

  After Luke and Derek left the party with their dates and enjoyed a fun evening out, the handsome young men received an urgent call. They had some more urgent and mysterious matters that needed to be attended to. Luke and Derek rushed off to hunt another pack of renegade wolves –

  I was interrupted by the phone, the ringtone told me it was my sister, Sarah, calling.

  “Hi, Sis. What’s up?”

  “I was wondering if you’ve talked to Mom and Dad lately.”

  “No. As a matter of fact, I usually hear from them once a week at a minimum, but I’ve been doing a little traveling lately. It’s entirely possible I missed a call from them this past week. Why do you ask? Is everything okay?”

  “Well, nothing bad. It seems like they have really renewed their romance lately. I’ve called twice this week and both times I swear I interrupted them in the middle of something. If you know what I mean.”

  “Oh, God, yes! I was over there this past week for a cookout. I walked in on our mother—I can’t even say it.”

  “What?”

  “Let’s just say I walked in on them doing something in the kitchen of all places and it might take years for me to forget about. And it’s enough to convince me they’ve renewed their passion.”

  “Wow! Well, thank God I haven’t been there to have to witness anything like that. Anyway, it’s given me an idea. Their big thirtieth anniversary is coming up. Maybe Mom read another book about rekindling their fire or some crap. Anyway, I think it is very sweet and we ought to do something for their big anniversary this year. Thirty years is a long damn time to be married.”

  “Yeah, thirty years is a long time. That’s considered a life sentence I think. What do you have in mind? And don’t say they should take a cruise.”

  “I don’t know. Maybe renew their vows? I just wanted to plant that bug in your ear, see if we can come up with some ideas in the coming weeks. We are way overdue to come home, and it would be nice for the kids to spend some time with their grandparents.”

  “I’ll keep it in mind. We can probably come up with something. How about you and your hubby? How is everything in the romance department since the ER visit?”

  “Nothing. Leigh, it is really lousy. Ever since that fiasco, Bill has had—well, you know how guys can get. He is having some performance anxiety. Who can blame the poor man? And to make it worse, I started reading that erotic book that everyone seems to be reading lately. That BDSM erotica about the SEAL with amnesia, get this—the title is, Bound to Forget.”

  “Oh, that book. Yeah, I’ve heard about it, soft-core BDSM, graphic sex, a SEAL with amnesia, not really my thing.” I was lying my ass off as I looked at the well-worn book on my night stand.

  “Not my thing either, I guess. The only reason I read it is because the BDSM stuff is really just very mild foreplay action. Nothing too crazy. Still, it’s been driving me up the wall, because I sure as hell am not getting any. I don’t know why I’m telling my little sister this.”

  I knew she was lying her ass off, too. She never would have mentioned that book if it wasn’t “her thing.”

  “Uh, yeah—but you are talking about that book, Sarah. So, go on.”

  “I was wondering if maybe you had any ideas. You know, to get him back on track.”

  “Hah. You’re asking your little sister for sex advice? I can count the number of my sexual partners on just one of Luna’s paws and still not use all of her little toes. And I’m not so sure that a couple of those technically qualify as sex since they lasted less than three minutes. My latest date nearly ended with me putting a guy in the ER!” I remembered what happened to Sarah and Bill with their own ER visit over a sex session gone awry. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that to make fun of your recent—incident. Seriously, it didn’t go well. And sex is something I’ve learned is best handled alone. Hell, it’s been so long that I’m going to have to start referring to myself as a virgin again.” I realized how pathetic I sounded, but it was all true.

  “Sorry, Leigh. I just tho
ught a young, single, and attractive woman like you would be all up to date on those goddamn Cosmo sex columns. Which totally suck by the way. I’ve tried reading them and I end up spending most of the time trying to figure out if it was written by one of the those twenty-five clowns that climb out of a tiny car at the circus. You know what I mean? How the hell do they do it?” Sarah started laughing. “I have to confess, I took two of little Adam’s bendable toy people and tried to recreate one of those hot new positions step by step. It was like a goddamn human Rubik’s Cube. Straight in the trash with that one. I want good sex, not some fucking circus act.”

  “Well, Sarah, how about this idea. Maybe there is something in that book you mentioned, Bound to Forget. You could pick a scene from it and reenact it with Bill. Or maybe you could read it with him. Just tease him a little, and that way you can let him know what you have in mind.”

  “You know, that’s not a bad idea! There is a scene in the book where the woman ties her lover down on the bed. She teases the hell out of him, makes him beg for it, she wants to drive him to the point where he is just crazy with passion. And get this, she uses a small whip on him. I think it’s called a riding crop. She drips hot candle wax on him! For some reason the thought of it is driving me mad. I just don’t know how I could ever get him to agree to something like that.”

  “Well, like I said, start leaving him some hints. Read sections of the book to him. I don’t know what all is in the story, I’m not really interested in anything too kinky. I think it’s perfectly okay if it happens to a character in fiction, but quite another to act on any of it.” I hoped like hell my sister didn’t see through my lies. I didn’t want her to think her baby sister was one of the biggest freaks on the planet.

  “Okay, Leigh, but someday you’ll be married and after you have a litter of kids, you will be proud of your household, your husband, and your children. Then you will learn that it has cost you something. That something will be your sex life. Unfortunately, you will find out that sex can become a bore, a chore, or just impossible to arrange. For example, we used to play a DVD of kid’s TV shows to keep the little ones occupied long enough for us to squeeze in a quickie. It became the norm for us. Now whenever that show comes on TV and that schmuck starts singing, ‘Who lives in a pineapple under the sea,’ I start to get all wet and Bill gets a hard-on. It’s like Pavlov’s fucking dogs. Quite embarrassing, especially when you have company over and that show comes on. And if it should be playing when you are walking through the electronics section at Target? God forbid. Who wants to rely on that kind of stimulus to set the mood? Not exactly the type of romance a couple needs in their marriage. That’s why women like me are interested in spicing things up. Oy! I don’t know why I bothered you with it. Anyway, keep that anniversary idea in mind. It would be great if we could give Mom and Dad something really special this year.”