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  “I told you! Touch nothing, dummkopf!” Cosmos barked.

  “Whew! That was scary. Well, scary once the place started shaking.”

  I asked, “So? Don’t keep us in suspense. What did you find?”

  “First, I’d like to thank all of you cave trolls for asking if I was okay. And I think I found the other side of the time transporter dingahoofus that all of Gertie’s tacky shoes have been popping out of.”

  “And her long lost vibrator!” Cosmos reminded him.

  “Yeah, that, too. Anyway, it looks just like a manhole for a sewer, like you’d find in any city. Now, here’s the trippy part. There is a dragon. A big, big, big, giant sized dragon. Complete with wings, and spikes on its scaly red hide. You know, typical storybook monster. It’s trapped in another cavern, you could say it’s like a room on the side of the manhole. A huge pile of rocks must have fallen and blocked it in. The dragon is jammed in there, it can’t turn around. When it kicked its huge hind legs and bucked, everything shook.”

  “Wow. That had to be some force to shake the whole cave,” Brad said, examining the ceiling and walls. “See that huge crack above us? It’s bigger than it was before the earthquake. We are inside a very active fault line. The force of it pushing against the edges of two tectonic plates is actually creating earthquakes.”

  I patted my hands on Brad’s shoulders. “We have to rescue the poor thing! Especially during breeding season. For all we know, she could be ready to have babies.”

  Brad took my hands and held them. “You’re right. We have to rescue it, although I was thinking of another reason why. Cosmos, do you think these earthquakes caused here might be repeating themselves in our future? Because just before we came to this time period, there was a huge increase in the frequency of major earthquakes.”

  “Of course, anything is possible. It is right next to that transporter hole, which works on magic and is somehow tapping into the sheath holding time together. I don’t even know if it makes sense to me, but yes, I agree it could be possible.”

  “Brad, we need a rescue team. You told me you were a trained rescue team leader. All you need is a crew and rescue animals. I need to go down there and evaporate those rocks with my wand to free that dragon. Olaf will have to communicate with her so she knows I’m trying to help her.”

  “No, Gertie. It’s too dangerous. The thought of you going down there is too much to bear.”

  “Oh, and I’m expendable?” Randy sneered.

  “In fact, you’d be the perfect choice. You’ve seen exactly how she’s trapped and what to expect,” Brad replied.

  “Listen, it’s my magic that got us into this mess, and my magic wand will get us out,” I insisted. The argument went on for a few more minutes until I ended it by strapping myself into the harness. “I’m ready! Lower me down!”

  Brad finally relented and grabbed hold of the rope. “Please be careful, Sunshine. I love you.”

  “I love you, too. Don’t worry so much!” Brad lowered me very slowly. “Oh, I almost forgot! Olaf! Olaf! Come here!”

  I heard the thumps of his heavy paws. Soon his head peered over the edge as I went lower, my glowing wand lighting the way.

  “Roo? Goo roo?” Olaf whimpered, his head cocked to the side.

  “Olaf, there is a dragon trapped down here. I need you to talk to her. Tell her I’m only coming to help. Can you tell her?”

  “Row row!” Olaf barked. I expected him to howl or bark his dragon lingo down into the chasm. Instead, he jumped. “Row, goo roo!” he said as he tumbled past me. The sound Olaf made landing on the rock was just ugly, but when he called out, “Roo roo”, I knew he was okay.

  By the time I reached him, Olaf was already engaged in talks with our red scaly survivor. Fortunately, she understood. Both dragons maneuvered, safely allowing the blasts from my wand to eliminate the boulders.

  Amid happy wagging dragon tails, I took a closer look at the cavern. I hoped to find a clue, anything that could explain Ezzy’s mysterious condition. “There’s that new beach hat I thought I misplaced. A bag of chocolate covered peanuts, probably gone bad, best not to risk eating one.”

  Our new dragon friend offered Olaf a treat as a reward and he happily accepted. Adjusting the glow of my wand to see what it was, I stepped closer. “Holy bones!” A long bone dangled from Olaf’s mouth. A bejeweled gold band hung loosely from one end.

  “A clue!” Although quite grotesque, I felt it was something important. “Can I see the bone?” I held my hand out and Olaf carefully dropped it.

  “Now, how to get you two out of here. I doubt the rope will hold either of you, so that means you get to go through the manhole thing.” I was entirely confident in Cosmos’ explanation and from the additional items I found, I was sure it would drop both of the dragons in my kitchen, where I left the magic tote. “Back home, you go, Olaf. Take your friend to the barn. Be sure to introduce her to Rebecca. It would be quite unpleasant if she got the wrong idea.”

  “Rah rah, goo roo.” Olaf nudged the other dragon until she had one paw over the hole. That was when the magic kicked in and it was really quite a sight to see. It looked like a miniature red tornado when the giant dragon became a swirling mist and was sucked through. Olaf followed and I was left alone with the bone. After further searching, it was more than a bone. It was an entire skeleton.

  I pulled wildly on the rope. “Bring me up, please!”

  Chapter 28

  Stroke It

  “Are you okay, Sunshine?” Brad lifted me from the harness, kissing me before putting me on my feet.

  “Perfect. The hole Randy found is our way out. Olaf and the red dragon are happily romping on the plantation as we speak.”

  Brad gulped. “Another dragon?”

  “I couldn’t just leave her down there. And she was too big for anyone to haul back up. She’d have broken every rope we have. Now, here is something more important.” I handed him the bone.

  “Um, thanks.” Brad cautiously held the bone.

  Cosmos leaned close to it, but wouldn’t take it. “Hmm. Human. Arm. Female most likely.”

  “Really, you got all that just by looking at it? How do you know it’s female?” Randy asked, obviously impressed.

  “The woman’s bracelet is engraved, in part, ‘loving wife’, the rest of the letters are rather hard to make out.”

  “I don’t get it. What does that have to do with Ezzy, or getting us out of here?” Jessica asked.

  “I don’t know. It’s just a clue based on the theory Cosmos had. If Ezzy’s memories and spirit got sucked into the bottom of that cave, where could they have gone? The skeleton and this bracelet are the only things I found, other than some of my things and the dragon.”

  Somewhere in the distance, outside, we heard shouting and horses.

  “What’s all the ruckus about by the entrance?” Randy asked, pointing to the entrance of the Devil’s Arse.

  “Sounds like we’ve got company. Who would know we’re in here?” Brad asked.

  “Um…again, my fault. When I used my broom to get us away from the jousting field, I said the name of our destination out loud. Charles was right next to us. I didn’t have a choice, really.”

  Wills and Kate howled and beat their chests, the universal signal for Sasquatches in distress.

  “In the name of His Majesty, King Henry, I order you to come out!”

  “Sounds like Charles. We better go down in the cavern and hop through that manhole, pronto,” Randy said.

  “There’s no time. Look, they’re already coming in.” Brad referred to the dozen or so men at the entrance. Their swords were drawn, this would not end peacefully. “I’ll buy us some time. Randy, get everyone ready, start taking them down to the bottom.”

  “Brad! No! You can’t. Not alone,” I begged. “I can help, I have my wand.” I held it up. Right away I knew something was wrong. Somehow, on the return ride up, my wand had broken. All that remained was the handle.

  “I guess yo
u’re sitting this one out, Sunshine. Don’t worry about me. As soon as you all go down, I’ll be right behind you.”

  As Randy lowered Jessica down in the harness, Cosmos, while waiting his turn, called out, “Catch!” He tossed his staff high in the air toward Brad, who effortlessly snatched it from the air.

  “Use my magic staff, it has a bigger blast radius than a wand anyway,” Cosmos shouted as he climbed into the harness.

  Wills and Kate carried Ezzy in her chair. They rushed to the chasm while Brad passed them as he headed off to confront Charles and his posse. “California King! Please, I beg of you, all of you. Let me go and I won’t say a word about this. I’m so sorry for being so obsessed with Your Highness. I only…I only wanted to be noticed by you, to be picked by you. I hoped you would be my gallant knight.”

  “You obviously missed seeing his horsemanship skills in action, Ezzy,” I said.

  “My name isn’t Ezzy.”

  I could see Brad’s silhouette against the cave opening. He was shaking the staff, unable to make it work. “Cosmos! Brad can’t get your staff to work, what does he need to do?”

  A pamphlet flew out of the cavern. “Read page three on using the weapons option!”

  “Thanks, Cosmos!” I flipped the pages until I found the proper steps and shouted them to Brad. “Brad! First, grasp the base of the shaft with one hand, maintain a loose grip toward the tip with your other hand.”

  “Okay! Got it. Now what?”

  “It says to slide the one hand from the tip toward the base and back in a steady reciprocating motion. Gradually increase the pace until you’re vigorously stroking it. Adjust your grip as necessary.”

  “Uh, okay,” Brad replied. “Then?”

  “When preparing to fire, aim the tip toward the intended target while maintaining hand movements. Fire when ready. Handy tip: When multiple staffs are utilized in team mode, use caution to avoid friendly fire.”

  I closed the book, my eyes bulged out in shock at what I had just read.

  Randy stopped lowering the rope for a few seconds. “Jesus Christ, Gertie! I think you just talked Brad through a hand-job.”

  A minute later, a bright white flash engulfed the opening. “I think your boy just blew his load on them,” Randy commented.

  After our eyes adjusted, we could tell the soldiers were all gone, with the exception of one man crawling in a circle. Brad grabbed him by the breastplate and dragged him to us. He tossed the staff down into the cavern. “Thanks for letting me use your staff, Cosmos.”

  “My pleasure.” Cosmos chuckled.

  “Well, that was…an uncomfortable experience,” Brad said, dropping Charles to the ground.

  “Good job, you handled that staff so well.” I winced, holding back my laughter.

  “Yep, you really pulled one off on them. Those jerks. They had it coming. At least it was a happy ending.” Randy snickered.

  “You two are regular comedians,” Brad said. “I feel kind of dirty.”

  The levity of the situation came to an abrupt end. Disheveled and blackened, Duke Charles cringed. His fear-filled eyes were fixed on something in the distance and he stammered.

  “No…no…it can’t be—”

  Chapter 29

  Making Sense

  Katherine picked up the arm bone and removed the bracelet. She had a new swagger to her gait as she strolled over to us, swinging the bone as if it were a gentleman’s walking stick.

  “Let me read this inscription. ‘To my loving wife, Katherine. Forever yours, Charles’.” As if flipping a bottle cap, she tossed the gold bauble at Charles. “This didn’t go at all according to my plans, and I’m glad. In fact, this is much sweeter.”

  “How…you’re dead! What are you?” Charles whimpered.

  “Of course I’m dead. You should know, you’re the one who stabbed me and threw my body down in that dark place. And now, it’s the end for you. I told you I would never be yours, even in death.” She lifted the bone up and prepared to drive it through his frightened body.

  “No! Please don’t do it!” I begged.

  Even Randy tried to get Katherine to reconsider. “She’s right. What’s the fun in ending it? If you’re really a ghost, you’d be better off haunting him for the rest of his natural life. Think about it.”

  “You make a good point.” She dropped the bone on Charles’ head. “Run along, Charles. Run as far as you can. It won’t make a difference. I’ll come visit you again tonight.”

  The duke scrambled to his feet and ran out of the cave like a scalded cat.

  “I sure didn’t expect things to turn out like this. You’re really a ghost?” I asked.

  “What’s happening? I’m so scared.” Ezzy shook with genuine fear.

  “Shh, everything will be fine. I suppose I owe all of you an explanation.” Katherine smiled.

  “It would be appreciated,” I replied.

  “It all happened so long ago. I was just a young girl, but not so young that I shouldn’t be already married by my seventeenth birthday. I was headstrong, a free spirit, no pun intended. The duke had been after me for some time and I always refused him. I refused to marry him and become his property, for that is how he treats people.”

  “So how did you end up marrying him?”

  “My parents were tenants on his land. One year, the crops failed and they couldn’t pay the rent. He used the opportunity to threaten them with prison for failing to pay their debts. Of course, he would be gracious enough to forgive their debts if I agreed to marry him. I had no choice. I was the eldest of seven children, they would have become beggars. My parents would have languished and died in prison. I did it for my family. So I married the duke, but I told him I would never love him. I would never truly be his. He hated me for it.”

  “So he killed you?”

  “Oh no, not right away. He was too cruel for that. I had to suffer being his wife. Then a young man came along, a good man. He was a merchant and when he came to the estate, I would spend hours upon hours listening to him talk about all of the wonderful places in the world he’d been to. I begged him to take me away, but in the end, I couldn’t go. After all, my family still lived on the farm. But I was clever. I took jewelry, gold, anything I could find. Eventually, I had enough to move my family to London. They were free and I planned to be as well. The next time the merchant came, he tried to take me away. In a fit of rage, Charles killed him. As you can see, my fate was the same.”

  “Poor girl! I’m so sorry.”

  “I spent a long time haunting this cave. About a year ago, something magical happened. A hole in the bottom of the deep chasm opened up. Strange things appeared: shoes, hats, stationary sets, all sorts of marvelous things I’d never seen.”

  “The other end of my magic tote!”

  “Yes, I think we learned that together after hearing Cosmos discuss the magic involved. Of course, the whole time it acted simply as a miraculous little fountain of goods.”

  “Then I’m glad my lost things did something good for someone. What about Ezzy?”

  “Like I said, I haunted this place, and dreamt up all sorts of diabolical ways for vengeance. Not long ago, a witch named Esmeralda contacted the spirit world. She was looking for a tour guide for some silly tour in her city. In the spirit world, word gets around fast. When I heard she was a witch, I was interested in what abilities she had. After all, I’d never met a real witch.”

  “So that’s why you were so interested in my wand and broom?”

  “Yes, you’re right. Anyway, imagine my surprise when this witch actually reaches her hand into the spirit world. Into my spirit world! Right down there in the chasm, her hand reached up out of that hole. I touched her hand. I thought she would tumble through, like the shoes and things. But she didn’t. Slowly, parts of her did come through, invisible parts of who she was, her memories, her opinions, her loves and hates, all the invisible things that make up the mind of a person. And this witch’s mind was powerful, strong, and free. She had
the ability to be cold and cruel when needed. I was frightened, I didn’t want her to lose such admirable traits, and I needed some way to keep them. You can’t just bottle feelings and thoughts. So, I went to the field and found a little flock of geese. I brought them down into the chasm and they absorbed all of her lost traits.”

  “Ah ha! So that’s how she forgot who she was.”

  “Yes, but I didn’t know at the time you accidentally created a way to time travel. I guess she must have gone to pay you a visit and fell right through. Right to this time! Now, here is the part I am truly sorry for. I could have restored who she was, I had all the geese. But I didn’t. I let the cruel Duke Charles find her, take her in. I knew he’d try to make her his property. I wanted him to feel like he owned her, like he did with me. Then I would restore this witch and you can just imagine the hell she would unleash on a controlling monster like Charles. It would be perfect. Then all of you started falling through. It was practically raining time travelers. I never expected your boyfriend would become Ezzy’s obsession. But it worked. I didn’t need my plan anymore. You all destroyed Charles’ world more than I could have hoped for. You devastated him and everything around him.”

  “Again, it rings true. There are no mistakes, just happy accidents.”

  “Plus, we rescued the dragon and stopped the earthquakes,” Brad pointed out.

  “So what about Ezzy? Can we fix her now?” Randy asked.

  “I don’t see why not.” Katherine gathered her geese and paraded them in front of Ezzy. One by one they hopped onto her lap and stuck their bills in her mouth. During the process, she passed out cold, completely unaware of the way the poultry violated her.

  Eventually, all of Ezzy’s essences were returned. “Well, how about the big reveal? Let’s untie her. I don’t know if she’s going to remember anything, but why take a chance. I, for one, have no desire to explain why we tied her up.”

  Brad loosened the ropes and patted her face. “Ezzy. Hey, Ezzy, time to wake up.”

  She stirred, her face looked like she was in pain. “I’m in hangover hell. What’s going on here? Who the Hades is this?” She pointed at Katherine.